Gossip Girl

Unfortunately, it has been a truth of mine for quite some time that I gossip. For as long as I can remember, I have gossiped. 

After finishing up the post on being non-judgmental, I knew there were several closely related topics or habits I would have to address also; gossiping being one of them. Although I wouldn't consider myself or the ladies (and few gentlemen) that I gossiped with particularly malicious or atrocious, the fact still remains that I am (and we were) doing it.

GOSSIP gos·sip noun \ˈgä-səp\
: information about the behavior and personal lives of other people
: information about the lives of famous people
: a person who often talks about the private details of other people's lives -via m-w.com

*I want to add that some definitions of gossip say that it is the spreading of lies, rumors or unconfirmed reports. In regard to this blog entry specifically, I view gossiping in its simplest form: talking about people without their knowledge or consent to others and revealing personal details about them or your interaction with them and often time in an unflattering or disparaging way.

Again, I know it wasn't right, but it did seem to serve some purpose. According to Wikipedia, socially, it can serve these functions:

• reinforce – or punish the lack of – morality and accountability
• reveal passive aggression, isolating and harming others
• serve as a process of social grooming
• build and maintain a sense of community with shared interests, information, and values
• begin a courtship that helps one find their desired mate, by counseling others
• provide a peer-to-peer mechanism for disseminating information

A feminist definition of gossip presents it as "a way of talking between women, intimate in style, personal and domestic in scope and setting, a female cultural event which springs from and perpetuates the restrictions of the female role, but also gives the comfort of validation." (Jones, 1990:243)

Reasons why we gossip:

• Curiosity
• Conflict
• Compare/Contrast
• Concern
• Competition
• Conveyance

What's interesting to me is that when I first began this post, I had a blanket umbrella in my mind that all talking about people behind their back was gossip and all "gossip" was bad. Subsequently, I realize that I cannot use a blanket umbrella when evaluating something as deep and complex as communications between Sisters. There is a lot of good that comes out of these conversations. There is love, support, pitching of solutions, comfort, acceptance, bonding, etc. So as I did in the previous post on Judgement, here with gossip I need to use discernment (to separate this from that) to truly be clear on what aspects of our conversations are venting, complaining, gossiping, therapeutic, sharing information and idle chat. Most of the women that I am friends with do not (at this time) go to a therapist, so the things we might tell a therapist, we tell to each other. Now, I feel like the "gossiping" I was doing wasn't really gossip at all. There was gossip in it, but the whole of it wasn't gossiping. But in order to avoid being a gossip, chronic complainer, and judgmental, I must use tools for transmuting negative energy, therapy & silence.

Some thoughts about why I was gossiping:

• It was a way for me to vent about people & circumstances that I felt were abusive or mistreating me.
• It was a way for me to go over issues w/ friends to get their opinion or advice.
• It was a way for me to express either my victimhood or superiority (use the Voice of Ego).
• It was a comic relief or way to make light of otherwise difficult situations and/or people.
• It was a way to bond over mutual suffering or misery (commiseration & co-dependency).
• It was a way to show how cruel and unfair this world is.
• It was a way for me to avoid journaling, creating, meditating, learning or being silent.
• It was a way to pass time.
• It was a way for me to deflect or distract.
• I felt that some of the information I was communicating was very important to share.
• It was so common in the communicating I did with others (and vice-versa) & I just accepted it as normal.
• It made it easier to stay in relationships and/or situations I didn't want to be apart of.
• It was a way for me to NOT confront the person or circumstance that was hurting me (powerlessness/weakness/fear/intimidation).
• I didn't have a therapist.
• I wasn't serious about my Spiritual Refinement at the time and I didn't consider doing it "that bad."

Interestingly enough, I have many Sisters who are also endeavoring in Spiritual Refinement that probably wouldn't consider our conversations to be gossip so devious that it need be stopped. 

Regardless of that, I know that I need to recognize it for what it is, GOSSIP, and work on eliminating it from my tongue. I found a good rule of thumb to determine if something is gossip or just sharing information:

1. Intent. Gossipers often have the goal of building themselves up by making others look bad and exalting themselves as some kind of repositories of knowledge.
2. The type of information shared. Gossipers speak of the faults and failings of others, or reveal potentially embarrassing or shameful details regarding the lives of others without their knowledge or approval. Even if they mean no harm, it is still gossip.

Why I don't want to gossip anymore:

• It's not the best use of my time, attention, mental or emotional energy
• I need to tend to my own business full-time
• It's not in sync with who I want to be
• It's not the highest use for my words
• What you put out into the Universe, comes back to you
• It's a way to express judgmental thoughts
• It's unhealthy & non-productive
• It's not my business or of my concern
• It can create a bias towards people by others
• It is negative communication because it is expressing negative energy
• I have tools to positively transmute negative experiences (art, writing, creativity, etc.)
• I have better things to do...

Ephesians 4:29-32

29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Sharing information is a good thing to do however. I do believe that sharing information with my Sisters has done a wealth of good. Its kept us safe, protected, encouraged, supported, inspired, reassured, guided, informed, resourceful, educated, checked, loved, motivated and more. Sharing information is something that I'd like to keep up. 

Some ground rules Ill set up to make sure I'm strictly sharing pertinent, positive and empowering information with my Sisters, Brothers and others:

• Don't highlight someones perceived faults for the sake of idle conversation, ridicule or condemnation.
• If I don't have anything good to share about someone then Ill stay silent.
• If it sounds or feels judgmental, don't go there!

Some links I found informative on gossip:

GOSSIP: THE POWER OF WORDS by Laura Roberts
What does the Bible say about complaining?
Tiny Wisdom: On Showing Your True Feelings by Lori Deschene
Difference Between Venting & Gossiping by Sam Grover

Some issues related to gossip that I will be addressing soon: Venting, Complaining, Swearing/Cursing, Transmuting Negative Energy, Power of Silence, Power of Words & Dealing w/ Difficult People. Check back soon for those entries.