Sister, you teach me...

Yesterday, I got a call from a very excited Sister. She was on Cloud 9 regarding a new milestone in her romantic relationship. As I listened on the phone, I felt opinions arising in me that were in contrast to what she was feeling. Thankfully, I didn't give a voice to those negative, judgmental opinions I was harboring.

Midway through her outpouring, I finally got it. A light bulb went off. The negative opinions and feelings I was thinking about HER life's events was really out of line for me spiritually. After some thought, these are the reasons why the opinions that arose in me were out of sync with who I want to be:

• She wasn't calling me to ask my opinion, she was calling me to share her news; to which if I had the time to give to her, I must be able to actively listen & to offer my well-wishing without any judgement or unnecessary emotional or mental entanglement. 
• I had a bad practice of wanting to help people and to fix their problems whether or not they explicitly asked me for help. In behaving this way, I have: (1) overstepped my boundaries in other peoples lives (2) taken on problems that are not mine to create distractions in my life (3) overburdened & overwhelmed my Self (4) misappropriated my valuable internal resources by dispensing them on external sources. 
• Being opinionated and/or judgmental is using the Voice of Ego and not the Voice of Love. In order for me to strictly adhere to using the Voice of Love, I can't listen to friend while simultaneously processing a bunch of negative opinions about their life. This is not loving or virtuous. 
• Honestly, who am I to be judgmental about anyone? 
• My Sister is a mirror, so how many times have people been on the phone with me (or even in person) & disapproved of what I was saying or how I was going about something? 
• It's not my business really. I must practice fully tending to my own business & staying in my own lane!

JUDGMENTAL judg·men·tal jəjˈmentl adjective of or concerning the use of judgment. "judgmental errors" having or displaying an excessively critical point of view. "I don't like to sound judgmental, but it was a big mistake" synonyms: critical, censorious, condemnatory, disapproving, disparaging, deprecating, negative, overcritical, hypercritical "he's compulsively judgmental" -via Google

The Creator found a messenger in my Sister to bring me the lesson of being non-judgmental.

After reflecting for some time, I was able to be thankful for my Sister calling and sharing her good news with me, even though at the time I was unable to receive it positively. Her calling me was a message that I have more work to do on being non-judgmental, neutral and supportive. 

Being a non-judgmental person is very important to me because the burden of being judgmental is heavy and it means that I am taking that very critical eye and pointing it at myself also.

Matt. 7:1-5

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

More:

• Where there is judgmental behavior there is a lack of compassion. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is a lack of curiosity. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is a missed opportunity to build bridges to others. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there exists a rigid & inflexible attitude. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is the Voice of Ego wanting to be right & superior. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is the Voice of Ego wanting to control & influence. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is the Voice of Ego wanting recognition & approval. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior there is pessimism that there are not infinite possibilities available to us all. 
• Where there is judgmental behavior towards others there is judgmental behavior towards our Selves.

Still, there is a necessity for sound judgment and discernment so I needed to be clear on the difference between using discernment and being judgmental. Up until this point I didn't know the difference and I am not sure that I cared.

Discernment vs. Judgment
I believe The Creator wants us to be discerning (meaning to separate this from that), wise & just but does not want us to be judgmental (condemning, better than).

I found this helpful from Toni Bernhard:

"Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period. Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be."

I found this helpful from Marina Michaels:

The basic rule of thumb that I use in telling the difference between the two in myself (that is, how I tell whether I am being judgmental or discerning), is how it feels. If I am essentially okay with allowing someone to be or do whatever it is they are doing, but I don't want it to happen around me, that's discernment. If I have some strong feelings about what they are doing, feelings that are associated with thoughts that label the other person as "wrong," that's making judgments about the other person.

For me being discerning comes down to:

• Minding my own business
• Respecting others' journeys
• Accepting what is
• Not being "The Judge"
• Staying neutral
• Staying in peace
• Using the Voice of Love
• Exercising compassion & curiosity
• Not taking things personally

Later, my Sister called me again regarding the same topic that I had previously felt judgmental about. However, this time I was able to receive her news with a clear heart and open mind. This time around I was able to feel compassion, understanding and excitement for her.

When the call ended, I felt clean and unentangled with negative beliefs or feelings about others' lives. I felt supportive and humble, knowing that I don't know it all, I'm not expected to know it all, and that she could very well arrive to the result she desired by being & doing exactly what she was being & doing. This felt liberating! I am proud of myself for both recognizing that being "The Judge" was unnecessary and that I endeavored to educate myself and correct my course.

I am grateful for her message.

"If her past were your past,  her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace." -- Eckert Tolle

Some useful links I found on being judgmental:

How to Stop Being Judgmental by Carole Tyler

A Simple Method to Avoid Being Judgmental (yes, that means you!) By Leo Babauta

I like this method mentioned by Leo: D.U.A.L.

D - Don't Pass Judgment, if you find yourself doing it then stop

U - Understand, be curious & open so you can understand the how & why

A - Acceptance, accept what is and don't attempt to change it

L - Love, unconditional love for our brothers & sisters & cohabitants is vital

Stop Being Judgmental, Start Being Compassionate by Sondi Bruner

Why Judging People Makes Us Unhappy By Toni Bernhard

Some useful links I found on discernment:

Judgment vs. Discernment  by Constance Habash
The Difference Between Discernment and Judgment by Jim Tolles
Judgment and Discernment by Marina Michaels

Some issues related to being judgmental that I'll be working on and addressing soon: Spiritual discernment, Gossiping, Boundaries, Venting & Unforgiveness. Check back soon for these entries.